Advice for Foreigners visiting New Zealand

All you need to know when visiting New Zealand

 Apparently these were posted on an NZ Tourism Website and the answers are the
actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
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Q: Does it ever get windy in NZ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do
the plants grow? (UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see Kiwi birds in the street? (USA)

A: Yeah, but they will cost you a hundred bucks an hour if you take them off the street!
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Q: I want to walk from Auckland to Wellington - can I follow the
railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water and develop a keen sense of hearing (electric trains are very quiet!)
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in NZ? Can you send me a list of them in Auckland , Wellington , Christchurch and Queenstown ? ( UK )

A: Sure - give us your Credit Card details so we can check if your card will work on our ATM's (we'll just give it a little test run). What's the limit on your card?
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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in NZ ? ( USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe.
New-Zea-land is that island in the middle of the Pacific which
has no native animals ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Auckland city. Come naked.
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Q: Which direction is North in NZ ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into NZ ? ( UK )

A: Why bother? Just use your fingers like we do.
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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: New-zea-land is that quaint little country, which is ...
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in
Auckland city, right after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in NZ ? ( UK )

A: You're a British politician, right? Tony Blair? Sure you can wear them; just come naked.
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Q: Are there supermarkets in Auckland and is milk available all year
round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are all hunter/gatherers. Unless you like milking wild sows - bring your own cow.
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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in NZ who can dispense spider
serum. ( USA )

A: poisonous spiders live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All NZ spiders are perfectly harmless, can be handled with safety and make
great pets . You should get one when you are here. Look for the ones with white tails - they're the cutest.
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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in NZ, but I forget its
name. It's a furry animal and lives in Gum trees. ( USA )

A: Aus-tra-lia is that small island - oh, forget it - that is a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath - are you sure you have not encountered one?
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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in NZ ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere that significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q: Can you tell me the regions in Auckland where the female population
is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay night clubs.
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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in NZ ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: I was in NZ in 1999 on Army R&R, and I want to contact the very friendly girl I met
while I was staying in Wellington. Can you help? ( USA )

A: No problem - but you will still have to pay her by the hour.
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With thanks to an anonymous author ............